squirrellord's Blog

Sometimes a song describes exactly what you are going through.  Thanks Linkin Park.

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi

Coz I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I face myself
To cross-out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you've thought of me

Well I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I face myself
To cross-out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
Im forgiving what I've done
I face myself
To cross-out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

What I've done

What I've done

Forgiving what I've done
 

well its been a few days since my last post.  i need to get back in the routine of keeping up with this.  my history of everything is i start out string and fade away (especially the gym haha).  So my folks came out this weekend. the firts thing i heard when my dad opened the car door was him screaming at my mom.  if you every saw seinfeld, my parents are exactly like georges parents (the costanzas).  I thought it was gonna be a shitty weekend but it was not bad at all.  they were on good behavior.  we did a ton of shopping.  my folks really treated me well.  the bought me a TON of furniture from ikea, and then got me a A/C and a LCD tv.  We went to dinner at really nice places, and I showed them where I worked.

ill catch up more later, im tired.

-squirrel

so after work i went to the mall to get some BK (the steakhouse was good :) ) and then i went to gamestop to see what I was gonna buy.  It didnt too long for me to decide that spending 600 dollars right now was not a good idea, so I just spent 50 bucks and bough myself the guitar hero for my nintendo ds.  50 vs. 600.  i made the right call.  (and i like the game)

so the meeting i went to last nights topic was money spending in new recovery.... perfect topic for me.  after the meeting there is this guy who always has good advice for me, and when i said i was having the debate about buying a PS3 he was a dick.  he was like "how old are You" meaning im too old to play video games.  and then another comment like "you must have too much free time".  well yeah i do, but way to be a dick.  he rides a motorcycle but you dont hear me saying shit like "have fun on your deathtrap", just because its not my thing.  im still erked by that.

anyway thats it for now, more later.

well its been an interesting day.  Last night I took off from playing the game.  I needed a break.  I just went home, relaxed, played a different game for a little while, and unwound.  my cravings were very strong again, but I dealt with it.  I watched a movie and while I was watching it, I cleaned my room.  I had started to let it get really messy again, and needed to clean it up.  it took me a few hours, as I hadnt even unpacked from when i got back home from my parents house last week, but after it was all said and done, i felt good having a very clean room.

i woke up late today.  my waking up after only 2 snoozes has lapsed back to an hour of snoozing.  I still havent slept a whole night through yet, and when I wake up, I usually smoke a cigarette and fall back asleep quickly.  I think that my increase in the amount I am smoking is to blame.  I need to cut down my cigarette consumption.

ive been quite lazy at work again.  i think the pink cloud has faded pretty much.  the lack of caffienen hasnt helped much there as well.  I mean lets face it, I should be working now, not blogging hahaha.

i found out a friend of mine (who helped me get back sober) has relapsed.  its hurtful, but now i know how I made my friends feel when I did it to them.  I almost feel hypocritical trying to give him any advice (which i havent yet because i found out secondhand and he hasnt returned my calls), because i have so little time back.

today i went to my normal lunchtime meeting, and when I did, it was 2 minutes before start time and only 6 or so people were there.  there was no chairperson, and somehow i got voulenteered to do so.  how was I to lead a group of people who probably all had more time back them I did?  well i did my best.  when you chair, the people who share usually look at you when they talk, so there is not dozing off during the meeting.  i was forced to pay attention to everyone.  its a good thing.  i needed it today.   after the meeting, a lot of people came up to me and said I did a great job.  that made me feel pretty good.   i know its not rocket science, but still..  :)

anyway tonight my sponsor is gonna pick me up around 6:45.  were gonna go to a coffee house and get something to drink and do some bookwork that is long overdue.  then were gonna go to a 8 oclock meeting.  this is a really good meeting very focused on the steps and the book.  I am looking foward to it.

the only other dilema on my mind is weather or not to buy the PS3 i keep saying I am going to treat myself to.  after alls said and done, its gonna be about 600 dollars I spend. (400 for it, 100 for a game and 60 for another game and tax.)  i really should be saving that money.  i wasted away all my savings, and have no nest egg to fall back onto.  i wish i still had all the money I spent, but the grass is always greener i suppose.  i really cant afford this now.  i really should wait a few months.  if i lost my job today, i would barely have enough tmoney to pay rent for a month or 2, so i probably shouldnt be spending 600 on a gaming system.   oh well..

have a great day everyone.  do the right thing.

-squirrel

i have heard this song before, but when i heard it not too long ago when i was watching "The Girl Next Door" i cried..  i dont know many people who can hear this, and really listen to it, and not get teary eyed.  so here it is for your viewing pleasure.. 

3 weeks sober and i might be clean, but im still not right....

20 days.  It feels pretty good.  I got my bloodwork back from teh Dr. yesterday and it all came back good.  No HIV, no problems elsewhere.  Thats a huge sigh of relief.  I had a lot of caffiene yesterday and i got the muscle spasms and twitching again.  I decided to cut caffiene out of my diet as much as possible.  That means no large coffees in the morning, no mountain dews.  I have a headache now, i think its caffiene withdrawal.  That sucks ass.

The eye doctor is next.

I was quite scatterbrained yesterday.  I joined a homegroup at 6:40 on mondays, and i was supposed to be a greeter.  I totally spaced ou and thought it was 8, so i was late to my own meeting and missed my first commitment.  what a shitty way to start.  i apologized to the group and welcomed everyone at once, but still i was quite embarrassed.

i would type more now, but my heads killing me, more to come later.

this is an amazing song by Ben Folds.  Just kinda my mood now, so i thought i would share.  this song has been know to bring tears to my eyes.

and man that sucks....

another lonely day.  I wound up visiting my friend at work who had to work today.  I went in and we watched "get Smart" on the big screen.  about halfway through, shit blew up at work and i got stuck working for like 3 hours. at 4 oclock he went home and so did I.  with nothing to do, i just sat around and watched heroes episodes for like 3 hours.

so i decided to go to the 8 oclock meeting.  i stopped and got tacos at qdoba and then went to the meeting.  who shows up, but the girl from thursday.. the one who i think likes me.  i tried real hard to focus on the meeting, but i found myself looking at her more then i should have.  the speaker had said how he went to meetings and got caught up with the new girls and how that hurt him, and i took that message to heart.

after the meeting i waved to her and she started talking to me.  she was hinting that she wanted to hang out, and then another guy came over with a group of people and offered for us to all go hang out.  we did.  that when i realized i am not ready for a relationship.  weird minute feelings of jealousy emerged when she was talking to other guys.  very reminicent of how i felt with las vegas girl.  i tried to ignore her as best i could.  i met a bunch of cool guys, and tha what i really need in my life right now friends.  we had fun, and eventually as the night wound down, i offered to walk her home.  we had a good talk on the way home about recovery.  i walked her to her door, and deep down wanted her to invite me in, or me to invite her back to my place, but i didnt.  i said godnight and came home.

i know im not ready for a relationship.  i got a lot of issues to work out.  i need to be happy alone before i can be happy  with someone else.  sadly i am co-dependent and am so much happier when i am in a relationship.  being alone is sad for me now.

its a double edged sword.

sharp on both sides.

lonliness..  im really feeling it today. bad.

this morning i got woken up by a friend from far away.  he told me to get up and smell the coffee, so I did. unfortunately, after the coffee, i didnt have much to do.  I woke up and went to mcdonalds for an early lunch.  after i went to starbucks and got a mocha frappaccino.  i flirted with the starbucks girls and they hooked me up.  i came home with a smile on my face, and thats the last smile i had for the rest of the day.

my uneventful day consisted of me watching 4 episodes of "that 70's show" and then 6 or so episodes of "Heroes".  Around 8 my sister called.  shes having (and has been having) issues with my dad for a long time, and they just keep getting worse.  he is a really stoubbourn man, and i really dont wanna get into it, but basically hes crazy, does messed up things, and always claims he did nothing wrong.  i did my best to comfort her, but i know shes right.  theres just no winning with him.  he holds grudges forever, and cannot move on.

a buddy from work said he was going to go with some people to the fireworks.  i told him to call me and i would meet him there, as its like 5 blocks from my house.  after i hadnt heard from him at around 9 I called him and he said they changed their minds since it was drizzling, and they were all at a bar.  he invited me, but i declined, as a bar would be the last place i should be.  my cravings for beer and coke were extreme today.  i am very proud i did not give in. i started thinking about the blood tests and the HIV test the dr took on wednesday, and although i know I should eb clear i started bugging out about them as well.

so.. i watched tv.  man philly sucked today.  our mayor decided to give a speech about how george washington had slaves and what would they think if they knew that a woman and a black man were running for president.  what a shitty message on a positive day.  his delivery seemed angry, and innappropriate.  then we had a shitty performer (just my opinion) john legend as our main act.  he may have won a grammy, but he sucked ass.  his closing song was something like "i dont like you anymore" or some crap like that.  what a great positive message to close out july 4th.  after he was done i went outside and walked to the art museum area for the fireworks.  i found a great view on an overpass, and i stood there, in the rain, completely alone. 

and now im home.

and lonely.

very very lonely.

it hurts.  im sad.

i wish i had a wife and kids.

i wish i had a girlfriend.

i wish i had someone i could call a best friend who lived within 50 miles of me.

i wish i really had a good friend who even lived close.

im so alone tonight.

someone told me the second you stop looking.... you will find the one for you.  weird.. it always works out that way.

I went to the lunchtime meeting today.  right before the meeting this girl walked in.  she immediately captivated me.  i dont know what it was... she was exactly what I was looking for in a girl.  i noticed her look over at me a few times, and then towards the end of the meeting, she threw me a smile.  i couldnt believe it was anything more then a friendly smile... but i think i was wrong.

after the meeting i went and talked to someone in the meeting room, they needed some good advice, and i gave it to them.  he wanted to smoke a cigarette, so we went outside.  i saw the girl still in the room, but i didnt even look at her, i just kept walking.  "the snub" from seinfeld haha.  we went outside, smoked a cigarette and i got this guy a sponsor.  i told him how he needed to get involved "it works if you work it" and we had a good chat.  anyway.. not too long later the girl comes outside, walks right up to me, and says hello.  she said she remembered me from the monday night meeting, and we locked eyes.  i dont know what it was, but it seemed to be slightly magical.  scary.

anyway after a little small talk she basically gave me her number.  she did it in a suave way, and i give her props, because its just how i would have done it.  she said she was going away for the weekend.  i told her i would give her a call on monday.  that gave me a good feeling all day.

after that i went back to work, and got out early.  i made some plans with a buddy for tomorrow night, so that will be fun.  i told a co-worker who works saturday i would stop by and watch a movie with him on saturday.  sunday i will be going to another friends house, so ill be busy.

after work i came home and relaxed.  i went to a meeting tonight, my sponsor celebrated his 6th year clean.  i rode my bike to the meeting.  mapquest said it was 2.56 miles there.  it sure felt like it.  my legs felt it thats for sure.  the meeting was good, it was a free flow meeting and a lot of good advice was given.  side note... man there were a TON of hot chicks there.  i had to forcemyself not to look.  man i really need to get laid :(

after the meeting we went to a peking duck house in chinatown to eat.  about 20 people were there, and we sat at 3 tables.  my table was nice.  me, my sponsor, and a bunch of people with a lot of time.  a cool irish guy was there.  man i wish i had a cool accent.  dinner was great.  after that i came home and here I am.  so all in all i biked about 5+ miles tonight.  im sure ill feel it tomorrow.

anyway.. off to bed.  im hoping for a good weekend, and that my cravings (which were strong today) subside and dont get the best of me.  im also hoping this girl will go to dinner with me next week :)

good night everyone, be safe.

--squirrel

another day another dollar.

went out after work yesterday with my friend who i havent seen in a while, we went to dinner and it was good, had a lot of fun. we just spent the time catching up.  went home, and raided on WoW.  it was a disaster.  im getting overly frustrated, and i dont have drugs to combat my anxiety.  i was amazed i didnt snap at anyone last night.

had some work to do after the game, and it went good.  a big project is crossed off my list, thats 3 big projects in a 4 day week.  not bad.  i might have to slow down my productivity, dont want them to think im that good of an employee where the start overloading me.

gonna go to a meeting soon, and another meeting and dinner with some AA guys tonight.  i took the night off of raiding, i diserve it.

kinda bummed about my lack of plans this weekend.  makes me feel really lonely.

--squirrel

well.. i thought long and hard about it, and splerging is not what I should be doing right now.  I am only 2 weeks into revovery and I need to get myself financialy stable before splerging.  The 600 i got from my stimulus went quick.  300 from a hospital bill, 100 to a credit agency from a phone bill from 10 years ago.  Thats a good one though, thats been on my credit report a long time, so hopefull this will help my credit rating and score. and the last 200 went to my savings account.  I really need a nest egg before blowing all my money.  rainy days are bound to come from the pink clouds in my skys now, and I need to be prepared, and i am far from prepared.  gladly accepting donations :)

just got back from the doctor.  he said that i seem to be okay, most of my aches, pains and problems are not too bad from the outside, and I shouldnt bee to concerned.  he said that I did damage to myself, but most if not all is not permanent.  thats a good thing.  he ran a bunch of blood tests on me, man they took a lot of blood, and ill have the results in about a week.  blood test results are always scary..... keep your fingers crossed for me.

thats all for now, back to work /sigh

--squirrel

well.. i went to the lunch meeting.  it was kinda sucky today.  no one had anything of significance for me today, just a lot of complaining, but i guess i have to take the good with the bad.  the rest of the work day was okay, kinda quiet.  I played some online guitar hero games to pass the time. My patience level was a little low today.  Thats gonna take a lot of work and practice to overcome.

I had a nice suprise today.  After paying most of my bills (i still have a few hundred to go but i made good progress), i realized i was hurting for cash for the next two weeks.  I got home to check my mail, and BAM there was my stimulus check.  Ill be honest tho... the first thing I though about stimulating was not the economy, it was my nose.  Those feelings passed quickly though.  I went to the 6:45 meeting tonight and I rode my bike there.  Ill tell ya it wasnt too far, but my legs felt it.  No pain no gain right? :)  I shared at the meeting about how when I knew I got the money I had cravings.  I decided to make this meeting my "home group".  Thats one of the things AA people tell everyone to do, that I did not do last time.  Another thing they say to do which i didnt, was once you get a home group to take on a commitment.  So, since they were all taken.. i am "greeter #2".  That means I show up early, set up the chairs, and stand by the door and shake everyones hand and say hello.  Gotta start at the bottom floor and work your way up :)  There is one good thing, greeter #1 is the really hot bones girl (I will call her RHBG from now on :) ) She only has less then 2 months clean, so the last thing either of us needs is a relationship, but lookings allowed right?

After the meeting I rode my bike around for a little while, found a pizza shop and got 2 slices and a snapple.  I then rode my way home.  I saw some cops standing around on a corner, so I stopped to ask them the local laws for riding your bike in the city.  They were nice.  Its nice to not have to avoid the cops!

All in all i probably rode 2-3 miles.  My legs are feeling it, as its the first real excercise ive done in months, even years.  Ill take the day off from the bike tomorrow, but wednesday I will get back on it.  I dont wanna over do it and hurt myself.

Well good night to everyone out there, sleep well.

-Squirrel

Heya!  Well, its been a few days since I posted, so its time for me to catch up!  I was so busy this weekend, it was a whirlwind of fun!

Friday I bugged out a bit, i started getting more frequent muscle twitching and pains in my arms and legs.  My foot has some crazy spasms as well.  I called my sponsor and he referred me to a friend of his in recovery who is a doctor.  I called him and he was super nice and spoke with me for about an hour, and put my mind at ease.  Amazingly, we determened at the end, that coffee (which i had a lot more then usual on friday) was a cluprit for making these symptons worse.  He referred me to another doctor to be my primary physician.  I havent had a physical in a long time, so I made an appointment this morning with him for Wednesday.  Im still gonna have to get to the eye doctor and the dentist, but one thing at a time.

I also got a lot of my bills paid, feels good.  Moneys gonna be tight until my next paycheck, but a lot of pressure is starting to get off my back.  I still have a few hundred dollars to pay off, but ill be fine come next friday.

Left Philly early saturday morning, and rented a car to go home.  The drive was good, its nice because I am going away from the beach traffic.  Called some friends during the drive, and missed my exit, and almost wound up in Manhattan haha!, but I found my way home easy enough.  Spent a lot of time with my folks on saturday.  Dad was doing okay.  They, as always has a bunch of chores and stuff for me to do around the house, as well as me playing tech support to my dad on his computer, but i was quite patient.  My mom mentioned I had a bike down in the storage area and my eyes opened up!  I was debating buying a bike for my traveling around philly.  Taxis are expensive, and walking more then a mile or 2 in the heat sucks!  I go tthe bike, and it was still mosty in mint condition, as I barely used it.  The tires were shot, as it had been sitting around in a storage room for 10 years.  I wound up bringing it to a bike shop and they replaced the tires, tubes, oiled it and adjusted it and it only cost me 65$.  Not bad!!!

Saturday night I went to my friend Ryans house.  My buddy John came over as well.  We had a good time, and even though Ryans girlfriend was drinking, I didnt have much urge.  We took a late night trip to white castle and I had so much fun on the trip, laughing and dancing in the car.  Made me realize i dont have to be intoxicated to have fun.  We watched some movies, hung out and then I went home late.  My house was a sauna.  I have no idea why my parents (who have central A/C) keep the temp at 80 degrees at night.  I gave them a suprise and turned it down to 70.

Sunday was fun, had breakfast with my buddies, went to my other friend Eric's house and got my TV i gave him a long time ago.  I saw his baby and hes a beautiful kid.  He kept pooping, it was funny to watch Eric play dad.  We played Guitar Hero on his PS3.  I had a ton of fun.  I think I am gonna treat myself next paycheck to a PS3 and guitar hero, and then more games to follow :)

After Eric's house I went back to Ryans cause I got my bike back from the shop and he lives a block away.  Hung out there for a bit, then went home.  Had dinner with my folks, and then headed back to Philly.  Amazingly I had ZERO traffic on the way home, and made it back very quickly.  On the way back, I am so used to getting drugs and making all the calls and arangments on the way back, that the thoughts started going through my head.  I would dismiss them, then they would come back.  Its so annoying.  I wish i could just shut those cravings and thoughts off permanantly.  But I did the right thing, and got home.  I got a spot right in front of my house, so getting the tv, bike and all the other stuff up was very easy thank god.  I still cant sleep through the whole night.  I woke up twice.

Things I didnt do this weekend that I should have:

1) Gone to a meeting.  I slacked.

2) Read from the big book.  I slacked.

I am going to try to do both of the above today to make up for it.  Anyway todays been fine.  Woke up early to move my car.  I had to move it before 8 or i woulda gotten a ticket, so I got it at 8 on the nose.  FIlled up the car with eht 50$ AMEX gift card I got from the company for christmas, and got 11 bucks back in change, so that was a nice bonus to not have to pay for the gas.  Returned the car, gotr some breakfast and came to work.  Been a normal day here, nothing too exciting.  I got a lot done last week, and In my weekly meeting with the boss he noted that.   Gonna leave soon for the 1 oclock meeting.  Other then that alls well.

I hope everyone out there has a great day!

--Squirrel