my dealer is not my friend.... | squirrellord's Blog

walking back into the office from my AA meeting, whos outside but my former dealer.  Hes wondering why i wont return his calls last night or answer his texts.  I told him i was sleeping.  I then reminded him i was 8 days sober, and wasnt doing any drinking or drugging.  I told him i just came back from AA, and he didnt even who what that was.  that doesnt suprise me.  he said he called me because he just wanted to hang out and shoot some pool.  i told him i cant shoot pool, because i cant go into a bar right now.  he couldnt understand why i cant go into a bar and just drink a soda and play pool, mind you hes wasted 24/7, id like to see him try that.

teh concept that im completely sober baffled him, i dont think he really thought i was serious, but then again I said i was done so many times in the past to him, and within 48 hours (or sometimes within 30 minutes) i was calling him up for more.  he works downstairs from me, so i didnt wanna make a big stink about it.  i dont need him being a spiteful bastard and like telling co-workers about my habits or doing something stupid to jeoppardize my job, so i basically said i couldnt really hang out, but didnt blow him off like an asshole.

the worst fucking part about it, is now i am thinking about him. and cravings are there.  stupid thoughts run through my head.  im a bit constipated now (i know Too much Info), and the idea of well, maybe i could just do 1 line and that would help me go to the bathroom, definately occurred to me.  but i have to remember the pringles analogy... once i pop, i cant stop.

during the year or so i knew him, we acted like friends, but it really wasnt much more then a dealer/buyer relationship.  Sure after he got off work we would go have some beers sometimes, and do lines all night, but that was far and few between, and thats all the basis of the relationship was to me.  can he get me more shit?  yes, good ill hang out with him.  hes not my friend, hes a dealer and i need to keep that clear.

--squirrel